Wednesdays in the Big Apple!

I dread coming to the city on Wednesdays. If I could, I would call in sick every Wednesday, although I think that would be a pretty obvious pattern. You know why of course?! it's matinee day! All of the people in live in New Jersey (closer to the city than I do) and the other foreign countries, like Long Island and Connecticut, come into the city for their "outings". These people live 50 miles or less from the greatest city in the world and they are coming in for the 1st time in YEARS!!!! Really?!? How does that happen!??! What are they DOING in NJ, CT or Long Island?? Dreaming of being on that 'Real Housewives..' show?!?

And for goodness sakes, could someone tell them how to dress and behave when they come to the city?!? Oh yeah, I guess that's what I'm doing, so here goes, in no real order of importance:

• First classic rule of being in the city...Stand on the Right, Walk on the Left.
• Please don't wear clothes that you bought in the mall in an effort to "look like a New Yorker". The beauty of the way New Yorkers dress is that it can not be labeled, bought or sold.
• If you are on an escalator, do not stand backwards to the direction the escalator is travelling, do not put packages down on the steps next to you and for goodness sakes, don't attempt to make obnoxious comments about "those New Yorkers are always in a rush". Yes we are, we have somewhere to go and no time to listen to you reminisce about the last time you were in the city, 20 years ago (I'm not kidding, I heard a lady talking to a friend last week).
• Which brings me to the next point, before you get on the bus, PRACTICE WHISPERING. No one wants to hear all of your business, your 3 year old grandchild's accomplishments, or the fact that you might have to dig up the septic tank!
• Socks and Birkenstocks are NOT okay.
• Restaurants are for eating, not commuter buses. I don't want to smell your hero on an hour plus bus ride stuck in traffic when I had to skip lunch for an endless meeting.
• Please do not walk arm-in-arm down the street with your twelve best girlfriends (mother, neighbor, grandmother, and classmate from 20 years ago). Although I am quite adept at walking in the middle of the street to get where I need to go, I shouldn't have to!
• And lastly (for today anyway) save the cell phone for emergencies (like the sign on the bus says)! I do not need to hear you debate with your significant other about the pros and cons of Chinese over Italian.

Okay, now that that is off my chest, I can face my commute home... wish me luck!